spiral

Dear Mike

Yes, it is true, i DO hate you all the time.

Now you may know. 

I also want to strangle you with my bare hands when i move out come August and I am 18. You have put me through so much hell and torture through they years. 

I hope you die alone you peice of shit. You dont know what love is. 

Fuck you. 

I hate you.

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June Fourth

That night, the night when i finally said 'enough is enough,' it was biting cold as i slipped out of the party, struggling to hold back my tears & making it only as far as the car, where i spent what seemed like ages fumbling with my keys until i finally felt the lock give & rushed, shivering, into the driver's seat. it took a minute for me to move; i sat there instead with my hands on top of the wheel & my forehead pressed against it, taking in deep breaths of the cool air that was slowly becoming tolerable. sitting up, i wiped my eyes, though it was as useless as a shoveling snow while the blizzard is still happening, & began to drive. i had no where to go , but somehow it seemed like the only option. the lights of the city all blurred into one & i could barely make out the reds, greens, & yellows of the traffic signals as i drove along. my head was no longer doing the driving, though; instead, it was my heart & i somehow found myself at the football field. you know the one. you remember the night. & as i sat there, i saw it all play out, & through my t e a r s, i smiled.. the next place i passed was the sidewalk in front of my grandma's apartment, the one where we stood kissing in the rain, i closed my eyes, & the wetness on my face was still there, almost as if it were happening again. next were the flower shop, the gas station, the car wash...i also passed the beauty salon, i passed meyer's courtyard & i saw the very place we had parked that night. it couldn't possibly have been almost two years ago, could it? because i could still feel the way i had felt that night, the way my cheeks had ached from smiling so hard. the bowling alley, the y, the movie theater...every place has it's own story, it's own unforgettable memory of *us.* remember when it was 'us,' not 'you' & 'me? i kept driving, letting occasional sobs escape my mouth as the rain from my eyes steadily fell, & i went to the place i knew would hurt the most. i drove past 'your road,' past my old house where we drove through the fog & you gave me a kiss on the cheek while i drove because you 'couldn't help it,' & finally i saw it. the rest stop. our rest stop. two years it had been ours. i parked the car this time, walked out to the table where we had layed together, & laid down in the freezing cold, listening to the rush of the river. the cold wind burned my face, but when i closed my eyes, i could almost swear it was your warm breath brushing against my face again...i could almost feel your skin against mine, here you whisper those three little words. & i swear, at that moment, the tears were gone. i sat up & looked around. the grass, the grass we had made memories on, was no longer beautiful; it was ugly & brown & had lost the magic it once possessed.i almost laughed at the irony of it all. instead, i sighed, slowly got up & walked to the car. with one last look, i got inside, started the ignition & wiped my eyes completely dry. '& this,' i thought to myself, 'this is letting go.


I found that two years ago this July, looking for quotes to sum up my love for you. It was so beautiful, so I saved it just incase we ever broke up... I knew we never would. Yet here I am... single, for the first time since July first of 2005. I wish I could be angry with you, but I know it's my fault. Somehow, I fell out of love. You were such a perfect guy, with just little imperfections that I loved. Then I woke up one day, and didn't feel the same way anymore. Maybe it's because I grew up... or maybe we grew apart. We're still best friends, and that has to stay the same.. but I wish this didn't have to end at all. You have to go to school in Florida, you have to follow every dream you ever had... or else our relationship/friendship would have been in vain. You've taught me so much about myself, and I'm hoping I did the same for you.

I'll love you forever... even if it is a different type of love.
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(no subject)

Dear Mrs. Oliver,


Fuck you. I study and I work my ass off but I still fail your tests... I can't do this shit anymore. I've got a little over a week left to get my grade up, or else I don't graduate.. that's bullshit. I try so fucking hard, but it doesn't pay off. I guess you don't understand that just because you teach it doesn't mean it makes sense to me. Any math problems that involve letters... I can't do. Then you start adding in multiple letters and formulas, and I just get more confused. I'm tired of you treating me like I don't try. Fuck you.



Zack,

It'd be great if you could call me. I need your friendship again. I love my boyfriend more than anything, but it's nice to have more friends. When you messaged me, I couldn't have been happier.. then you pull this suicide bullshit, and I felt like my world was falling apart. You get over that, and then I see you at Leland's funeral... and my heart breaks. Do I not matter enough to you? Do you not care that I miss your friendship? Please call or come by.
empressadele

Dearest

Heartbreaker.

Why do you have to do this to me? Do you have any idea how much this is killing me? I don't want to watch your new relationship unfold. I don't want you to move on. I haven't. She isn't good enough for you anyway. All you two would end up doing is getting stoned together. I thought you liked good girls. I was your good girl. I just wish I could die, disappear from your life, maybe you could forget about me. I'll grow old alone. I wish I could tell you how much I hate you for this. But I don't hate you. Far from it. I don't really know what I want to say. Just know that you're killing me and I love you.

Heartbroken.
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(no subject)

Happy Valentine's Day.
I just want to say thanks for everything you've done for me:
You've helped me get over a really bad break up; you've treated me like a princess; you've made me feel beautiful; you've made me feel smart; you've stayed on the phone with me even when you're angry; you've let me call you at 4 in the morning and talk until you had to go to church the next day; you've talked to me every night; you've let me be honest, you've changed my world.
But I also want to let you know that I'm angry:
You've lied to me, you've changed me & everyone around me, you've been cold and closed off, you've rejected me; you've told me you want to kiss me & then turned away when I tried to kiss you; you've been indecisive; you've done things just to make me hurt; you've teased me; you've hurt my heart.
Happy Valentine's Day.

so ridiculous.

E--A--C
Well, what can I say. I barely know you, but I don't like you, at all. You feel the same way about me.

In some ways, you have fascinated me. I feel kind of boring compared to you,(sometimes) because you're so damn bitter.

I know, I can be too idealistic, and optimistic, but what's the point of being as negative as you?

and I will have all my plans come true, and if they do not it's because it just wasn't meant to be, and/or I just didn't want to do it anymore.

I'm glad, now you're basically out of my life. No more, will I feel you as that thorn at my side, in MY relationship.

---

Sp.

I can't say this to you, even over myspace (lame), but I had feelings for you in High School. I wanted you bad, I was too scared to do or say anything. It's something I still regret when I see your photos.

I love my girlfriend very much, but I wish that you and I could be close friends. You were one of the first people to ever have this confidence in me.

You thought all my ideas, were awesome. I remember the letter you wrote me, "We'll live in New York City, on top of a bakery or chinese place, and make-out with hot boys". Haha.

I missed those days, but I can no longer. I don't know what to do about you, you added me over myspace, but you've changed in certain ways, that I can't accustom to and will not.

Guess you're just another memory.

--

M-s.

Well, another year is upon us. I guess, it's time to do all that we wanted. Why wait? You wasted so many years, being depressed. Nothing is stopping you. Do everything you wanted to do.

and don't listen to all the naysayers.
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