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July 22nd, 2009 at 4:08pm]

[ mood | sad ]


I'm really sad about being off-limits. I know why and it makes sense, seeing as your my sisters best friend, but I'm really sad about it.
I know none of you get me, the gender stuff, and the fact that my name is different, even though it wasn't different this weekend you have to know I go by the other name to everyone else except for my blood-family.
You seemed to get me, you seem like you get me.
I've had a thing for you for almost ten years.
I don't know when you began returning my feelings or when you began feeling something for me.
I've liked you, loved you even, for almost ten years. I wish, I wish so much you could be in my life in that way.
You wouldn't be off-limits to me or for me and it makes me said that no part of me will ever actually be yours in that way and that no part of you will ever be mine.



July 20th, 2008 at 4:44pm]

Dear self,

Am I happy?? I want to be a part of a 'couple' but life is good without it. I'm a senior in culinary school, about to start the most exciting part of my life... but I think I'm lonely. I'm working on my weight, or atleast trying to, although I don't think I'm fat. I have got some beautiful curves, and I couldn't imagine losing them. This job I landed, will be the most difficult but the most rewarding thing I've ever done... will I even have time for a man? I can't seem to date guys my age, and I'm not sure I can really have a relationship with the older guys I seem to like. This is so confusing... I know that Bobby and I would do great together, but he's 29 and smokes more weed than I do. He's got a great job, a house, everything is in order... but do I want to smoke weed once I have children and all the other things I want? I just wish I could understand everything that is going on... and just know what I want in life.

Maybe I should return back to church. My faith helped me so much with everything before... but that is another issue. Do I feel as though what I do on a daily basis is sinful, or does God understand why I do what I do? If I could just have a sit down chat with God!!

I just hope that this will all make sense soon.

i'm done and gone. [Monday
February 11th, 2008 at 4:45pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

most of you who read this won't really care. if anything you'll be happy.i'm tired of playing games with everyone. i keep putting a fake smile on to make everyone happy. no one cares about me. by the time you read this the computer will be off and so will the phone. i'm sick of how i'm treated by everyone. good bye


who gives a damn? [Friday
January 25th, 2008 at 2:47am]
[ mood | amused ]

tell me you give a damn and i will call you a liar. you think you know well the darkness has sunk into my blood and you will see true colors now. wait til you see me now.


wow [Wednesday
January 23rd, 2008 at 4:20pm]
[ mood | angry ]

you know what people fuck you all. you all make me sick to my damn stomach. i have some one who has ripped my heart out. i have one who is just stupid and the rest of you i could give two shits about fuck all. have a happy life assholes


November 20th, 2007 at 7:21am]

I got my hood pierced in retaliation for you breaking up with me. I love it though, so I think I'll keep it in for a while. Fuck you Brett.. you're a bastard who only cares about yourself. I'm not ending our friendship, you are. I promised you I'd always be there and I'm keeping my end of the deal up... maybe you should try it.

Kevin [Saturday
October 13th, 2007 at 7:34am]


"Everyone winds up kissing the wrong person goodnight."

I hate to know how true that really is. I want you more than anything, but I keep flirting with your friends. I know you're probably extremely confused... and maybe I'm beginning to look like a slut. I refuse to be passed around your circle of friends, so I'm going to try and stay away from Brett and Kyle. (mainly Kyle.) I think he's going to end up ruining any chances of you and I dating... I know you would never hurt another friend just to make yourself happy. Maybe once we move in together and we spend most of your time together, you'll fall for me the way I fell for you.

You're gorgeous in every way, I hope you see that too.

Apparently I spoke to soon... I'm so excited we're dating now. I hope you feel the same way I do. I want you to know that even if this doesn't work out between us, we'll still be okay. I know it's weird moving in together before we dated, but hopefully it will work out.


Haley [Monday
September 24th, 2007 at 10:52pm]

Dear Haley,

I blame this on you, every single second of it. My brother wants to kill himself, so you tell him that you're always here for him and blah blah blah. Then when he calls on you to talk, you ignore your phone because you're riding some asshole's cock. I hope you get AIDS. How much would it have hurt you to call my brother back?? What if he had done it? What if he had killed himself?? I'd be lost. He's one of the few people in this world that I can truely trust... and you don't give a damn about him.

Go eat a twinkie you dumb bitch, and leave my brother the fuck alone. I hate you.

September 14th, 2007 at 10:32pm]


I don't need you... but it still hurts. Yeah, we were "best friends" through out highschool, yet I hear about you talking shit. I never said anything though, I was that desperate for "good" friends. I feel so dumb now. Why do I care that you took me off your top friends on myspace? I know I shouldn't, so maybe I won't care anymore.

Yeah right. My only true friend is leaving for Florida on October 1st. Who will I have left? Maybe there is no point in trying, I'm so sad. I can't decide what I want.. a group of fake ass friends, or no one? Truthfully, I know that not having anyone is better than allowing myself to get hurt over and over. Katie, you and all of your friends are toxic... I know this. You are the reason highschool sucked for me. You never talked to me when I was fat, but once I lost enough weight that I was "chubby", you used me. I was your fat friend... I'm prettier than you though, I know it. I'm curvy, and I like that. Your bitch ass boyfriend is cheating on you too.

I feel better :c)

Dear Ulises, [Monday
July 2nd, 2007 at 11:43pm]

[ mood | sad ]

I hate you so much. But you are the only one in the world that I have to confide in. I wish you, my abusive boyfriend, who insults me and makes me cry each day and hurts me all the time, were not the only friend I had. Because then i wouldnt be forced to stay with you. I hate you... but I love you. Because I have to. 

Once yours before you changed, 


Dear Mike [Monday
July 9th, 2007 at 1:24am]

[ mood | hopeful ]

Yes, it is true, i DO hate you all the time.

Now you may know. 

I also want to strangle you with my bare hands when i move out come August and I am 18. You have put me through so much hell and torture through they years. 

I hope you die alone you peice of shit. You dont know what love is. 

Fuck you. 

I hate you.


June Fourth [Sunday
June 10th, 2007 at 4:39pm]

[ mood | crushed ]

That night, the night when i finally said 'enough is enough,' it was biting cold as i slipped out of the party, struggling to hold back my tears & making it only as far as the car, where i spent what seemed like ages fumbling with my keys until i finally felt the lock give & rushed, shivering, into the driver's seat. it took a minute for me to move; i sat there instead with my hands on top of the wheel & my forehead pressed against it, taking in deep breaths of the cool air that was slowly becoming tolerable. sitting up, i wiped my eyes, though it was as useless as a shoveling snow while the blizzard is still happening, & began to drive. i had no where to go , but somehow it seemed like the only option. the lights of the city all blurred into one & i could barely make out the reds, greens, & yellows of the traffic signals as i drove along. my head was no longer doing the driving, though; instead, it was my heart & i somehow found myself at the football field. you know the one. you remember the night. & as i sat there, i saw it all play out, & through my t e a r s, i smiled.. the next place i passed was the sidewalk in front of my grandma's apartment, the one where we stood kissing in the rain, i closed my eyes, & the wetness on my face was still there, almost as if it were happening again. next were the flower shop, the gas station, the car wash...i also passed the beauty salon, i passed meyer's courtyard & i saw the very place we had parked that night. it couldn't possibly have been almost two years ago, could it? because i could still feel the way i had felt that night, the way my cheeks had ached from smiling so hard. the bowling alley, the y, the movie theater...every place has it's own story, it's own unforgettable memory of *us.* remember when it was 'us,' not 'you' & 'me? i kept driving, letting occasional sobs escape my mouth as the rain from my eyes steadily fell, & i went to the place i knew would hurt the most. i drove past 'your road,' past my old house where we drove through the fog & you gave me a kiss on the cheek while i drove because you 'couldn't help it,' & finally i saw it. the rest stop. our rest stop. two years it had been ours. i parked the car this time, walked out to the table where we had layed together, & laid down in the freezing cold, listening to the rush of the river. the cold wind burned my face, but when i closed my eyes, i could almost swear it was your warm breath brushing against my face again...i could almost feel your skin against mine, here you whisper those three little words. & i swear, at that moment, the tears were gone. i sat up & looked around. the grass, the grass we had made memories on, was no longer beautiful; it was ugly & brown & had lost the magic it once possessed.i almost laughed at the irony of it all. instead, i sighed, slowly got up & walked to the car. with one last look, i got inside, started the ignition & wiped my eyes completely dry. '& this,' i thought to myself, 'this is letting go.

I found that two years ago this July, looking for quotes to sum up my love for you. It was so beautiful, so I saved it just incase we ever broke up... I knew we never would. Yet here I am... single, for the first time since July first of 2005. I wish I could be angry with you, but I know it's my fault. Somehow, I fell out of love. You were such a perfect guy, with just little imperfections that I loved. Then I woke up one day, and didn't feel the same way anymore. Maybe it's because I grew up... or maybe we grew apart. We're still best friends, and that has to stay the same.. but I wish this didn't have to end at all. You have to go to school in Florida, you have to follow every dream you ever had... or else our relationship/friendship would have been in vain. You've taught me so much about myself, and I'm hoping I did the same for you.

I'll love you forever... even if it is a different type of love.

June 3rd, 2007 at 1:42am]


May 30th, 2007 at 2:39am]
i want you to make sweet sweaty love to me,dr. jan.

May 9th, 2007 at 5:13pm]

Dear Mrs. Oliver,

Fuck you. I study and I work my ass off but I still fail your tests... I can't do this shit anymore. I've got a little over a week left to get my grade up, or else I don't graduate.. that's bullshit. I try so fucking hard, but it doesn't pay off. I guess you don't understand that just because you teach it doesn't mean it makes sense to me. Any math problems that involve letters... I can't do. Then you start adding in multiple letters and formulas, and I just get more confused. I'm tired of you treating me like I don't try. Fuck you.


It'd be great if you could call me. I need your friendship again. I love my boyfriend more than anything, but it's nice to have more friends. When you messaged me, I couldn't have been happier.. then you pull this suicide bullshit, and I felt like my world was falling apart. You get over that, and then I see you at Leland's funeral... and my heart breaks. Do I not matter enough to you? Do you not care that I miss your friendship? Please call or come by.

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