June 10th, 2007 at 4:39pm]
That night, the night when i finally said 'enough is enough,' it was biting cold as i slipped out of the party, struggling to hold back my tears & making it only as far as the car, where i spent what seemed like ages fumbling with my keys until i finally felt the lock give & rushed, shivering, into the driver's seat. it took a minute for me to move; i sat there instead with my hands on top of the wheel & my forehead pressed against it, taking in deep breaths of the cool air that was slowly becoming tolerable. sitting up, i wiped my eyes, though it was as useless as a shoveling snow while the blizzard is still happening, & began to drive. i had no where to go , but somehow it seemed like the only option. the lights of the city all blurred into one & i could barely make out the reds, greens, & yellows of the traffic signals as i drove along. my head was no longer doing the driving, though; instead, it was my heart & i somehow found myself at the football field. you know the one. you remember the night. & as i sat there, i saw it all play out, & through my t e a r s, i smiled.. the next place i passed was the sidewalk in front of my grandma's apartment, the one where we stood kissing in the rain, i closed my eyes, & the wetness on my face was still there, almost as if it were happening again. next were the flower shop, the gas station, the car wash...i also passed the beauty salon, i passed meyer's courtyard & i saw the very place we had parked that night. it couldn't possibly have been almost two years ago, could it? because i could still feel the way i had felt that night, the way my cheeks had ached from smiling so hard. the bowling alley, the y, the movie theater...every place has it's own story, it's own unforgettable memory of *us.* remember when it was 'us,' not 'you' & 'me? i kept driving, letting occasional sobs escape my mouth as the rain from my eyes steadily fell, & i went to the place i knew would hurt the most. i drove past 'your road,' past my old house where we drove through the fog & you gave me a kiss on the cheek while i drove because you 'couldn't help it,' & finally i saw it. the rest stop. our rest stop. two years it had been ours. i parked the car this time, walked out to the table where we had layed together, & laid down in the freezing cold, listening to the rush of the river. the cold wind burned my face, but when i closed my eyes, i could almost swear it was your warm breath brushing against my face again...i could almost feel your skin against mine, here you whisper those three little words. & i swear, at that moment, the tears were gone. i sat up & looked around. the grass, the grass we had made memories on, was no longer beautiful; it was ugly & brown & had lost the magic it once possessed.i almost laughed at the irony of it all. instead, i sighed, slowly got up & walked to the car. with one last look, i got inside, started the ignition & wiped my eyes completely dry. '& this,' i thought to myself, 'this is letting go.
I found that two years ago this July, looking for quotes to sum up my love for you. It was so beautiful, so I saved it just incase we ever broke up... I knew we never would. Yet here I am... single, for the first time since July first of 2005. I wish I could be angry with you, but I know it's my fault. Somehow, I fell out of love. You were such a perfect guy, with just little imperfections that I loved. Then I woke up one day, and didn't feel the same way anymore. Maybe it's because I grew up... or maybe we grew apart. We're still best friends, and that has to stay the same.. but I wish this didn't have to end at all. You have to go to school in Florida, you have to follow every dream you ever had... or else our relationship/friendship would have been in vain. You've taught me so much about myself, and I'm hoping I did the same for you.
I'll love you forever... even if it is a different type of love.